A few weeks ago, one of my Facebook friends posted a link to an article entitled, Women over 50 are invisible. Sadly, as a woman who is staring down 50, it resonated with how I’ve been feeling of late. So much so that I can’t seem to shake the author’s words …
“Invisibility is different (from aging). It’s the feeling you are no longer vital or important or noticeable to others, a constant nagging pain you can neither avoid nor forget. It hits you in areas where you feel most vulnerable–a loss of attractiveness and sex appeal, the end of fertility, a glimpse of a slow, lingering decline.”
The author’s first moment of feeling invisible happened quietly. While riding the bus. Mine was not nearly ~ nor mercifully ~ as silent …
Now let me preface my first invisible encounter with the reality that I know what I look like. I know the lines. The wrinkles. The gray hairs. I don’t shy away from the mirror.
But it’s one thing to see those lines, wrinkles, and gray hairs reflected back at you in a mirror. It’s quite another to see it reflected back at you in the eyes of five 20-something males. Young men enjoying a perfect St. Patrick’s Day in Chicago. Responsible young men traveling from bar to bar via taxi. On the prowl for like-minded 20-something girls who, too, were enjoying – and imbibing in – the day’s festivities.
I’m in my car with my daughter. Stopped at a traffic light. The cab filled with those five young 20-something males pulls up in the left lane. I glance to the left. At the same time, ten eyes eagerly glance to the right …
and five 20-something young men issue a collective “WHOA …”
Ouch.
That “whoa” has been followed by a year where store clerks no longer look at my face to approve a liquor purchase. Where an x-ray is no longer preceded with “can you be pregnant?” Where Old Navy employees who once followed me around the store no longer inquire if they can help.
I can barely flag one down …
But the descent into invisibility is not just outward appearances. Inside menopause is wreaking it’s own quiet havoc. It’s so much more than hot flashes, brittle bones, and mood swings. A choice has been taken away. A fundamental function of being female is no longer fundamental. Granted, I had no intention of having a late life birth. But that was always my choice. And nature has taken that choice away. With it comes a sense of sadness …
and loss.
It would be easy to just blame others … and society … for my invisibility. But that wouldn’t be fair …
or completely true.
You see, I shoulder my fair share of the blame. I often drape that cloak of invisibility across my shoulders when I leave the house. Errands take me from point A to point B with little or no eye contact in-between. My make-up-less face and oversized sweatshirt screams “don’t look at me.” And “you can’t see me” as I hide in plain sight.
And hiding in plain sight has become more of the rule and less of the exception these days.
So this evening – in the time between when I started and when I finished this post – I ran to the grocery store. Only this time, I styled my hair. Brushed on some mascara. And blush. Dabbed some lip gloss on my lips …
and conducted my own little unscientific social experiment.
At the grocery store, I looked up. I made eye contact.
I engaged.
And you know what? I was visible. Highly visible.
The recipient of “hellos” and smiles and “have a good night’s” as I left …
and that left me with a feeling of hope.
I don’t have to settle for invisibility.
I’m the one who hold the cards to make myself be seen …
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Once you “own” middle age, it is your FRIEND! Let’s face it–in your thirties you still look good, and in your forties you are just so dang BUSY with all the kid crap, but in your fifties??? You have choices! I OWN it and I am having a blast! (Plus, the fifties ladies are so cool–come hang with us. We are very inclusive and supportive. If I knew then what I know now? I’d probably be in charge of the world.)
ha ha! I love Kirby’s comment! It’s so true, if I knew then what I know now… oh, things would be so different for sure! But, yes, my body is failing, however, I am not invisible! The impact and love I pour on my grandchildren, and my grown up children still is God ordained! He’s using me, in my old decrepit body in marvelous ways. Sometimes I think that our younger, good-looking bodies just get in the way of really being able to see others in a way God wants us to see them, in a way we can really serve them. As long as I’m alive, I believe there is a plan for me on earth. It maybe isn’t to ‘look physically attractive’ to others, but I know it is to look ‘lovingly attractive’ to others! Yay for getting old!! 🙂
This almost had me in tears because it is all so true! I’m not trying to relive my twenties, but I wish I had the confidence I had back then. Just knowing I looked pretty darn good without a lot of help. But it’s true, as we get older, we do need a little help. And we need to find that voice we used to have when we were younger, the one that has faded away as the new generations plow through. So many women my age do feel and act like they are invisible, but it’s a choice. It saddens me to see ladies over 50 just stop wearing make up and cute clothes. Getting a stylish haircut. It takes so little time to do. I truly believe beauty comes from within but face it, not everyone you meet in the course of a day is going is going to get to know you in depth! My advice to women over forty…let yourself shine, be your best inside and out and watch people take notice!
Thanks for an absolutely wonderful post!
XO,
Jane
I know just what you mean, Linda. I’m waiting to feel like Kirby does. Maybe I have to continue fumbling through this awkward second adolescence until I’m actually in my 50s before it will happen. In the meantime, I’ve been taking comfort (and some cues) from the fabulous women featured on Advanced Style (http://advancedstyle.blogspot.com/). They are most definitely NOT invisible!
This post made me tear up a bit. I love how your perspective changed and you realize you don’t have to settle for being invisible. You certainly have a HUGE presence in the world of blogging, or I should say infamous. BUT, please know that you aren’t alone. It’s not just women that are in their 50s, I’ve played the invisibility game too. Going from being a working mom, an active member of society to a stay at home mom in a sea of very young stay at home moms can also make you feel invisible. Women, in general can be so hard on themselves, I am so glad you shared this post.
It is odd to realize that you are not noticed or engaged like you were years ago. I first noticed it when I had grandchildren…….at their birthday parties I was the grandmother that got a friendly nod….and I remembered doing that myself to the many grandmothers I met at functions like that……but I am finding I embrace it now. I don’t always have makeup on when I leave the house and looking great is not as important as being comfortable and presentable. I don’t want to look dowdy……but I keep it simple and just enjoy the freedom this gives me. Let’s face it , woman who try desperately to hang on to looking beautiful and stylish just look…well.. desperate.
Thanks for a great post! It’s easy to say that it’s all a matter of perspective, but when you are feeling invisible, it’s hard to find that perspective. I’m in my late 40’s and menopause snuck up on me very early. And having kids later in life means I’m already an “older” mom. But “older” has a bigger meaning when menopause is upon you too. Thanks for your openness and sharing your story!
I’ve felt myself becoming invisible since I was in my mid thirties when I walked out of a mall looking all hot and sexy and noticed that there was a group of young guys hanging out right next to my car. I was all worried about how I was going to deal with them, etc. I steeled myself as I approached my car ready for anything. Funny thing though – they didn’t even look at me. Not one look or word. I got in my car and sat there stunned. Realizing that stage one of invisibility had happened. Stage one is when you are invisible to those much younger than you. Stage two is when you become invisible to those (especially men) older than you. Most of this I can laugh off because it’s so superficial. It became a whole new level of weirdness and discomfort when I lost my job at 52 and had to start thinking about how I wanted to live the rest of my life. That, combined with the discomfort of some of the physicality of aging can be disheartening, but all in all I love being older and comfortable in my own skin. Most of the time I can laugh off the hot flashes – which never seem to go away – and all the other surprises that hit me in the face in what seems like a weekly basis. If I can’t deal, I just say f*** it and go out for a burger and wine. Or just wine.
As you can see….the feeling you’ve had are sure universally felt to different degrees! Although my journey through my 50’s has been pretty darn hard for multiple reasons, I have also found some relief from having to try so hard. I’ve gained weight when I never did before, my eyes look teeny when I smile now and I can’t stay up late and still get everything done I want the next day….but I’ve also learned what is REALLY important to me and what I REALLY want to spend time on vs what is just a waste of my time. I’m a little braver than I was maybe because I am less worried that I am doing the RIGHT thing (read:what everyone else is doing) and more the thing I WANT to do…the thing that makes me feel happy. I admit though, sometimes when I think about my age, I am amazed that I am here…..we all really thought we’d never be old….didn’t we?
Yup, been invisible for a few years now, and I have to say, it’s not as much fun, but it really doesn’t matter. The people I care about and who care about me, see me and we get each other. In general, I try to stay away from toxic people and try to be engaging when it really counts. Plus I have a daughter who seems to be quite “visible” and it’s fun to watch her deal with the attention. And sort of a relief that its not me!
I’m with Kirby! Trust me, 50’s merely a number and yeah, the whole “M” thing is odd but after you get past the initial stuff, being 50 is pretty empowering and there are lots of successful ladies learning to work it to their advantage.
As you know, girlfriend, I’ve made up my mind to own it and, while I still succumb to ‘sweatshirt mentality’ some days, I’m still making a difference, and engaging more often than not. I’m still turning heads…and it’s not always because I told my son to clean his room!
It’s like anything else that powerful and determined women make up their minds to do…the world had better watch out!
I’m thrilled to call you my friend and I’ll be right here when you FINALLY join the “club” …you YOUNGSTER! xo
Excellent post!!!!!!!!
Wow, I’m so with you. I actually just read a book recently, wish I could remember the name, about a woman who actually DID become invisible when she hit 50. It was pretty funny. Good for you for debunking the myth that we HAVE to be invisible. I am so not looking forward to next year’s birthday. And I’m pretty sick and tired of the hot flashes. But I don’t feel any less of a woman for not being able to have babies. I’ve accepted that that part of my life is over. Now if I could just get rid of the wrinkles……:)
Not if said 50 yr. old woman is in a bright red power wheelchair. Kids look at you and point and ask the adult they”re with what’s with that lady? Especially when I had oxygen, too. As the parent whisks the child away as if I had leprosy. As I drove to the power ramp in my van with a big sticker about w/c lift, getting yelled at because I don’t have a hang-tap for handicap parking. I have permanent plates!!! It was seriously keyed by someone who I suspect thought I was illegally parked. Not a lot of wrinkles, but I long ago stopped coloring my hair so I have some grey. Most is in a cluster sorta above my left eye and I’ve been asked where I got it done! So it’s a good-looking silver, I get corrected-not grey.
Janet
Love your post. Yeah…we might not stop traffic like we once did, but we’re so much better. And there’s a little bit of Botox which makes you feel so good. 🙂
I am not in my 50’s yet but close approaching just as you are.I will be 47 this year but the changes are acommin. Yes those hot flashes and mood swings.And it seems that even though I have good genetics my face is falling.It really is and there is nothing I can do about it.I am not going to get a facelift.Although secretly if I could afford it I would! I always wear make up unless it is a quick run out to the store.I don’t do it for anyone but myself.I feel better when my hair is fixed and my makeup is on.I feel more confident.And at my age not that I am old I am not but I am not in my 20’s.At my age I can use all the help I can 🙂
xx
Anne
I’ve got a couple of years to go, but I sooo know what you’re talking about! I’m glad I’m not in my 20s or 30s these days, but I’ve enjoyed my 40s and will hate to see them go. Good to know Kirby and her 50’s gals will be waiting for me!!
Happy Mother’s Day, Linda!
xo Heidi
I have a lot of thoughts on this post. Not sure I can narrow them down for a comment either.
Bliss
Any feelings of invisiblity with age are a failing of our society to see what actually has value, not a failing of yourself. I have to remind myself all the time that aging is a blessing! It helps that Andy totally welcomes his gray hair and wrinkles and seems totally cool with mine too!
This was a good post. I rarely feel invisible but I must qualify that – at the gym, where there are more young women than those my age, the young women look right through me. I want to say ‘Honey, if you’re lucky, you’ll look like me in 40 years. I’ve earned the grey hair and the veins and every sun spot is a reminder of a wonderful summer. Don’t take your good health and beauty for granted – you haven’t earned it – it’s a gift and worth taking care of’!
I try not to gage my worth or ‘visibility’ by whether a 20, 40, or 60 yr old man ‘sees’ me or not. I value MYSELF and that is more than enough for me. Rather than worrying about the outside I’m concerning myself with the inside. i’M 64 yr’s old and I’m almost always mistaken as my daughter’s sister rather than her mother but to tell you the truth I don’t really give a hoot if I looked like her granny. I’m too busy enjoying life to worry about things that don’t really matter. I guess when you get to be ‘my age’ you see that it’s all about serving God, loving your family, doing good towards others. Society will tell you it’s all about ‘how you look’, sad that so many women buy it.
Your writing in this post is fantastic, Linda. I read every single word.
You write about invisibility at 50 – but I think it happens at any age. I’ve felt it. I’m at home every day; there’s no need for work clothes. Why do my hair when I’m not going anywhere? Work out? I work out when I garden and do housework. And what would I do with the kids while I’m at the gym?
I remember things like getting asked out while crossing the street. Or getting appreciative nods when I’m getting my coffee at the Starbucks. And I ask, “Why doesn’t that happen anymore?”
Like you wrote – it’s amazing what happens when you take a bit of care, and you wear that confidence. Suddenly, you’re noticed. Maybe it’s just YOU noticing you. But it makes a difference.
And as I write this comment… I’m realizing that maybe I should give a damn more often. Thank you for your post – it’s given me food for thought.
I am 39 and don’t think I look ancient, but the “ma’ams” started a while ago and I haven’t been IDed forever despite the “we ask everyone who looks under 40” signs. (sigh) I’m trying to prepare myself for the next phase of my life by focusing on my mind, which gets better and better every year with all the books I’m feeding it. I was also thinking idly yesterday why women 50+ always look so put together. I decided it was either because they had more time to get dressed without kids at home, or they have more money, or they have realized anyone post-30 can’t really get away with running around in yoga pants all the time, then I ask myself why I haven’t gotten that memo yet. So I was seeing all sorts of women older than I am and thinking they looked a heck of a lot more groomed. ha!
You won’t be invisible at Haven! Can’t wait to meet you in real life:)
Jessica